Anish Nadh’s Blog

I cheated!  It was a cheese cake!  I felt guilty!  Forbidden snacks are amazing! 

Some people have mastered this talent. They never apologize. They can hurt you, disrespect you, embarrass you, and then show up the next day acting like nothing ever happened. No acknowledgment. No empathy. No reflection. Just casually starting a conversation like, “So what are you doing today?” as if yesterday was deleted from the universe. And the worst part is that you are suddenly put in a tricky place. If you bring up the issue, you look dramatic. If you don’t bring up the issue, you feel like you are betraying your own emotions. So you end up maintaining peace. Not because you are okay, but because you are tired. Meanwhile, the peace you are desperately trying to maintain is the same peace they destroyed in the first place. But now you are the one responsible for keeping everything “normal.” The truth is, they never intended to fix anything. Their intention is only to control the narrative. As long as they pretend nothing happened, you are supposed to go along with their version ...

Unresolved dreams, Trauma Bond, that’s a curse! There no point in living such a life. How does one find purpose and meaning through all this? It’s impossible.  I’ll wear my curse like a badge, keep my head held high. I can take this. I will miss you forever. You may not be so kind. Your Gods are. 

What do you do when people disappoint you? I have seen people walking away from me when I disappointed them. So I did just that! And it works! It’s so liberating! No drama, just detachment and peace. Thank you universe for this wonderful lesson. 

The new diet I’m trying with Phitsmith is honestly wild. Just meat, no carbs, no veggies, no fruits, no masalas, no sugar. Basically, I’m surviving on discipline at this point. But it’s helping my back; stiffness is easing, pain is reducing, and I actually feel like I’m almost 20 again. It’s tough, but I never realised how much my diet was affecting my autoimmune issues. Of course, I miss hanging out, eating sweets, Milanos and all that fun stuff. But right now, I’m the priority. I get to decide what goes into my body and what doesn’t. I also know this diet may give me other complications, but for now, I’m choosing my poison. If nothing else, it’s a good test of my willpower.

Last year around this time was honestly one of the roughest phases of my life. I was trying hard to convince myself that I had the willpower to stay away from things I love, people I care about, food I enjoy, and even routines I hated. I even stopped writing blogs for almost 2 months. It’s been 4 years now… Somehow, I still feel like I achieved something. There were regrets, there were learnings, and there were plenty of mistakes. But all of it made me stronger from the inside. For that, I’m grateful. The universe kept sending the right people at the right time, and I can only thank it for that. When I look back now, I can see how much stronger I’ve become; physically and mentally. I still push myself every day. It’s not easy, but I’m learning to hold my ground with a little more willpower, and not slip back into old patterns again.

On my birthday,  Tie a ribbon on your hand,  And give it to me. 

Like gravity, silent, invisible, There’s a pull I can’t unfeel. Your presence tugs at my orbit, Mine shifts to the way you move. We never touch,  See, smell, taste or feel,  Yet something in the space between Hums with a quiet force.  We attract like opposites do: Positive and negative, North and south, Two poles that shouldn’t meet Bur we lean in. And in that pull, In that delicate tension, We become, A universe of our own.

I went to Kuki’s concert today Carbon! We were all blind folded for the show. I helped set up and wind up the show. It was a lot of work. There were cocktails and lots of food, which I avoided.  I also hung out with Anaita and Siddharth. They are so damn cool, Siddharth and Anaita are engaged. We called each other a lot of bad words in Malayalam.  Zui and I were appreciated for the mushrooms we grew. We are planning to scale this up as well.   

What crime have I committed? To walk against the rhythm of their parade, To speak in colours they cannot name, To love without a map or measure? She was the spark that set my sky on fire, A fleeting comet I could never hold. Still, her light etched constellations On the walls of my soul. I know she’s not mine, she never was, A river that only passed through my dream. Yet I’ll love her quietly, endlessly, Like the horizon loves the sun it can’t keep.

Lime juice with soda and some salt! This is my go to drink nowadays. This feels like luxury! I think I’m addicted . Really don’t care what it does to my body. But it’s amazing! Just love the taste of it.  Also, I feel like taking 2 slices of bakery bread and slathering a fat layer of peanut butter and eating it!  I’d also love to eat some Duck! Peking Duck to be precise. The crispy skin and soft meat! Yummy! The taste lingers on.  I have to keep my cravings in check! GOD HELP ME! 

 Zui came over today and we jammed for 4 hours trying to figure out her solo. It was not a very productive day but it was a lot of learning. I really liked her approach to solos, she played a lot of octaves not sticking to the usual meandering on scales, lot of thought put together. Also she thinks notes while I think in patterns. We also spoke about a lot of things and she gave me recipes and ideas for my diet. I dropped her at the metro station and then Denzil came over I took him to eat pani puri. 

Dear Universe, I feel you all around me, in the quiet, in the air, and in the spaces between my thoughts. I miss you every single day. If I could turn back time, I would relive it all and change a few things, just enough so we could have our moments again. Please continue to be kind to me. I want to stay connected with you. Maybe only death can truly bring us together, when I finally dissolve into you and become one with everything.

Johanson got me on the guest list for the Steven Wilson concert! I went early and pulled Andy in,  he just wanted to drop me off at Bharatiya City. While collecting the tickets, the vendor asked how many were on my guest list. I said, “Two!” He handed me two Diamond passes, which gave us VIP entry. We were right by the stage but decided to catch the concert near the sound console instead. The show had incredible trippy visuals, surround sound, and a few familiar tunes. The musicians were all in their 60s, yet they still put on an amazing performance! Can’t wait for Dream Theater next year!

My student Vibhas, who’s also a singer, recently enrolled his 5-year-old daughter for piano lessons with me. His wife plays the sitar, so clearly, music runs in the family. Today during class, Vibhas mentioned that his daughter could identify notes by ear. Naturally, I had to test it out. I played a C note, and after a short, shy pause, she said “C.” Then, one after another, she named every note I played,  even the black keys, all by ear! I even made sure she couldn’t see the keyboard. She has perfect pitch! I’m absolutely mind-blown and so excited to see how she’ll grow as a musician!

I’m hungry, My stomach feels empty,  I could just throw in a juicy burger,  And gulp down some coke right now. My body is shaking,  I must eat!  I walk into the kitchen,  In my fridge is some hard cheese,  I slice it and take a bite!  It’s creamy,  I chew and chew,  Savoring the texture, I’m still hungry.  I order in a burger!  Add extra patty and bacon to go! I’m waiting,  Hungry 

Why do we wake up each day, and repeat what we swore we’d change? Why do we chase after people who stopped looking back long ago? Why does silence feel heavier than a room full of noise? Why do we measure love in how much it hurts when it ends? Why do we pretend to understand when we’re just afraid to ask? Why do we keep memories that only make our chest tighten? Why does time move faster when we start to feel alive? Why do we still hope even when we know better?

She just wanted someone nearby, While she went about her day; Repotting plants, painting trunks, Dreaming her home into shape. It felt nice, being the man beside her, Lending a hand where I could, Trading playful arguments, Just to see her flare up; for a moment.

Hold back! The river need not flow for all to drink. Some see water, others see a chance to drown. Never give everything, the sun that shines too long burns. Keep your warmth, let the shadows have their turn. No one sees the seeds that die beneath the soil, yet forests grow in silence, never asking for applause. Walk your quiet road, eyes on the shimmer ahead. Some journeys bloom alone, some hearts are meant to be unsaid.

After Byg Brewsky last night, I woke up really late. I was quite hungry, so I ate some beef jerky for breakfast. I then ordered a burger for lunch and went back to bed again. Then Andy called me to plan Marcus’ wedding. I took another nap and woke up at 4:00 PM got ready for the wedding.  Adrian picked me up and drove me and Denzil to the wedding. I caught up with everyone there. It was fun to watch Tanya at the dance rehearsal. Then Adrian dropped me back home. It was a good day. Tomorrow, it’s back to work! 

 I went out to Byg Brewsky today with my friends, Andy, Adrian and Denzil. It was a fun hang today. We caught up on life after almost a year. I also smoked 2 cigarettes today. We also planned about the logistics of Marcus’ wedding tomorrow. In short, fun was had. Lots of meat eaten. I drove the drunk boys home. 

Angel – I try to fix what’s hurt and torn, Thinking love can make it whole. I act kind so I won’t feel worn, Scared of what’s going to come. Critic – I find mistakes in what I do, And point them out in others too. I call it truth, but deep inside, It’s fear that I’m trying to hide. Victim – I hold my pain for all to see, It proves the world’s been hard on me. I say I want to heal and grow, But part of me won’t let it go. Destroyer – I tear things down just to feel free, Even the parts once good to me. When all is gone, there’s solitude I claim, A kind of peace in the empty air.